Category: Funny Quotes

Ezra, “mom, soon we’re going to have another baby.”
Me, “what? How?”
Ezra, “I don’t know. It’s just happening to me.”
Me, “oh, do you know what you’re having?”
Ezra, “a kitty.”

Asteroids are purple, sparkly, and have lights. – Ezra

That’s your yoga mat? It’s huge. (Pause) that’s because you’re huge! – Ezra

It was from the olden days, like the 1980s. – Ezra describing a video they watched at school.

“Oh those college kids! The bigger they get the more they don’t want to listen.” – Ezra

Ezra referring to the chickens, “I wish they spoke Spanish so we could talk to them.”

Me, “What are you guys doing?”
Ezra, “Something you don’t want to see.” 

I came out of the bedroom to two beach towels spread across the kitchen floor, “boys, what happened?”
Ezra comes over, “I was going to ask you the same question.”

Me, “when your grown up, remember your wife is always right.”
Ezra, “oh man, you can say that again.”

Noah, using all your words is important. Yelling “mom, Taffi is eating the chickens.” Is so very different from what you should have said, “mom, Taffi is eating the chickens’ food.”

Me “if daddy was home, he would have appreciated mommy’s joke.”
Noah, “what joke?”

I was explaining a triathlon to the boys. “You swim, bike, run.”
Noah, “is that some sort of animal show?”

Noah came out wearing all black, “hey mommy, I’m like cat woman now!”

Noah came out wearing all black, “hey mommy, I’m like cat woman now!”

“Mom, can we sometime get a bird as a pet?” Ezra 
“We can talk about it when your older and able to help more with the cleaning of the cage.” me
“Or we could just get a parrot.” Ezra

The boys packed a suitcase and went to Ethiopia today (master bedroom) on their way they passed Taffi, Ezra says, “Ethiopian dogs are so funny.”

Daddy always knows. He probably has a computer that can see what we’re doing! – Noah

Noah was asking about my birthday cake (he has months to plan it)
What kind do you want?
Chocolate. 
Okay. With a picture of you or minions?
Definitely minions.

I just can’t decide between a firefighter, a police officer, and a ninja turtle. – Noah on growing up.

Noah just saw a fun loom commercial. “Mommy, I could make you lots if necklaces. If you get me this, I’ll eat lots of broccoli.”

When spider man was the boy Peter Parker, he didn’t have food problems he just ate. – Noah trying to convince Ezra to eat dinner.

“We have to plant them well, so they feel bright.” Ezra on planting flowers.

Don’t blame me, blame myself. – Ezra

Ezra, “Why do the snowballs hurt Mario, I thought he liked playing in the snow?”
Noah, “The snow gives him eczema.”

Noah, “Does God want you to turn of the video game while I’m playing? No, he wants you to let me finish.”
Ezra, “No, God wants us to live.” 

Ezra decided he is buying a corvette when he is older. But told me when “we” have a baby boy he’ll need to find a car that can play movies in the back seat. 
Me: we huh, who is the lucky one?
Ezra. I don’t know. I haven’t met her yet. I bet she’s pretty. But maybe she hasn’t been born yet.

I’m starting kindergarten in 10 days and I’m afraid I’m going to make lots of wonderful new friends. – Noah on starting school and missing his preschool friends. 

Commercials have a strange hold on my children. Tonight Ezra suggested he needs a sleep number bed that has temperature and firmness controls.

Matt was explaining that sometimes mommy needs alone time to recharge. 
Noah, “is mommy a robot?”

Ezra: Abby tells me her secrets because I’m her girlfriend

The boys were wrestling and apparently Ezra had Noah pinned under a blanket.
Noah’s telling of it, “I almost ran out of lives.”

Deep theology from Noah: if I want to be like Jesus, I’d be invisible because id be dead.

Last night’s middle of the night wake up brought to you by Noah, “My brain is changing! I came to wake you two up then turn on all my lights.” 

Me: who brought their patience pants?
Noah: not me! Let’s go!

Noah to Matt at 2 am, “daddy, why is nighttime so long?”

“Oh man! The apple sauce is overtaking the flour! I can’t wait to see who will win this battle” Ezra baking

Noah to Ezra: you can’t come to my half birthday party because I had to make room for Spider-Man. You’ll have to leave your present for me at the door.

A 9 is a right side up 6. – Ezra

Dad, well, when do we get our own house? We are almost 5 and a half you know. – Ezra

Kid trash talk while playing video games: “Actually you are really great at dying”.

Ez: Noah! Stop touching my person! 
Me: you person or Lego person?
Ez: Lego person. He needs his personal space!

Ezra, “Wow, Noah, you look awesome!”
Noah, “Yea, I know.”

“I got a lot of packing heat.” Ezra showing of his muscles

Ezra was threatening to run away this morning. I asked where he would go.
“To Vaughn’s.”
“Vaughn moved to Texas, how would you get there?”
“By airplane.”
“and how are you paying for a plane ticket?”
“With Noah!”

Me, what are you guys doing?
Ez, we’re doing what we do. 

The worst time for giraffes to run is when they’re drinking. – Ezra

Boys tomorrow we have to try to get out the door by 7:30. – me
But mom, I can’t think when I’m up that early. – Noah 

Out of context Noah. 
“I can do everything Ezra can do, because I’m a girl too.”

Ezra bringing in the mail, “I got the email.”

I’m taking a shower and hear a frantic knock on the bathroom door. 
Noah’s important news, “to spell add you spell a-d-d!”

My mouth doesn’t like it, so he isn’t going to eat them! Ezra

Noah claimed their room was all clean. I went in to check and was showing him what still needed put away. “It was clean! It must have messed itself up again.”

“Boys wash up for dinner.”
“But we want to finish this glorious tower!” – Ezra

At the pool a couple of teenage girls walked past Ezra talking. Ezra’s take, “that was a lot if blah, blah blah.”

Ezra, “dad, how do people make Legos?”
Me, “we learned about it yesterday, do you remember?”
Ezra, “I’ll just pretend I know.”

When I grow up I’m going to be a fire fighter and police officer. – Noah 
I’m going to be an ambulance person, fire fighter, and police officer. – Ezra 
That’s a lot of jobs. (Pause) or you could be a ninja! – Noah

Hey Ezra wanna see my famous naked dance? – Noah

If this was a straight track daddy would be sure to win! – Ezra 
Guess Matt needs to work on his cornering skills.

Can you help me cut this medium sized? – Noah 
How big is medium sized? – Me 
Not too big and not too small. – Noah

“I have a big brain.” Ezra
“Yes, you are smart.” Me
“It’s really juicy.” Ezra

Umm, mom, are we old enough to get our own motorcycles yet? – Ezra

“It’s really blah blah because no one is helping me.” – Ezra

We were discussing the Easter Bunny and Noah missed what I said. Ezra telling him what was discussed, “some families have an Easter Beagle, and some families don’t have an Easter Beagle.”

A game Ezra was playing asked him to enter a nickname. I asked what he wanted to be called besides Ezra. “Umm, snake!”

Hey mommy I love you and how do people make guns? – Noah

You’re not my favorite brother anymore! – Noah to Ezra

My butt gets really stuck to the seat because I’m wearing the same fur as this fur. – Ezra on getting into his car seat.

 

“My muscles aren’t bigger than yours, they are just more potent than yours.” Ezra to Noah

Ezra shouting, “mom, what’s that thing making the noise?”
Me, “the blender.”
Ezra shouting, “the blender is losing the quiet game.”

More crashes means more scratches. Ezra’s words of wisdom.

“Noah, did you know dirt is allergic to me?” – Ezra

Mommy, the more music I make, the more Jackson drinks.” – Ezra

Sometimes I just get ignored by your books. – Ezra (Took me a few days and him using ignored wrong a few more times to figure out he was trying to say inspired)

Me: what does mommy want for Christmas?
Noah: well she seems to like laundry. So maybe more laundry?

Ezra, oh what happened?
Me, one of the chargers got hurt.
Ezra, did his arm get chopped off? (Football is apparently a very violent game)

Noah was having a party at the swing set. Ezra parks his jeep and all the chickens run up, “uh-oh looks like a chick party.”

I don’t want to go to school. I already know my abc’s. I have nothing left to learn! – Noah

When I sit down it’s boring. – Ezra

The boys got some conversation hearts today at school. I was requested to read them and when I read Ezra one that said “first kiss” he gave me a kiss.

I’m sorry, mommy. I just got distracted with books. – Ezra

Ezra, “you have a nice butt.”
Me, “who are you talking to?”
Ezra, “that strawberry right there.”

Me, “Eat your breakfast, we have gymnastics this morning.”
Noah, “Aaaah but it’s Valentine’s Day.”

I’m readier than banana! – Ezra

We were getting in the car and Noah had forgotten something.
Me “where did you leave it?”
Him “just look everywhere.”

Ezra, “I have the funniest joke ever. Knock knock.”
Us, “Who’s there?”
Ezra, “Knock”
Us, “Knock who?”
Ezra, “Aren’t you glad I have ears?” Followed by hysterical laughter.

Ezra, “it just gets me into trouble.”
Me, “your mustache?” (He was sporting one made of ticky tac)
Ezra, “no, my mind! I just think and think.”

Ezra found the classical station on the radio. “Hey guys listen, you’re missing a princess song.”

Ezra excitedly, “Noah, you know where chocolate chips come from!”
Noah answering even though it was not a question, “Chocolate and chips!”
Ezra, “No, they come from oreos.”

The boys brought home art from Presidents’ Day and we were discussing.
Me, “and who was George Washington?”
Noah, “ummm, a pirate.”

Matt: see boys daddy is super strong. I tore that apart with my bare hands.
Ezra: you don’t have bear hands, you have daddy hands.

Trash talk while playing basketball with lacrosse sticks, (thats normal right?).
Ezra to Noah: Hey Bro, did you bring your A-Game, because it’s all I’ve got!

Ezra the heart breaker: “mommy how do I write letters of love on katlyns birthday card?”

Noah: Daddy how long do I have to stay in my room?
Matt: until you can be calm.
Noah: awwww that will take so long!

While arguing over the nativity scene arrangement: Noah: it goes this way, trust me I was in the bible.

Noah: daddy can we get a pet giraffe?
Matt: sorry but they need to stay in their homes in africa
Noah: aww but I wanted to teach mine to play basketball.
Matt: well in that case. Go ask your mom.

N, “Where was Abby born?”
Me, “Gilbert, in a hospital.”
N, “You don’t get born in a hospital!!!!”
Me (trying not to laugh), “Where do you get born?”
E, “Africa!” Then continues to go on and on about all the animals Abby likes (think giraffes and lions). “There are lions in Africa, she should have just come and seen us there.”

Matt: did some one set the alarm to go off?
Ezra: some one played with it. It was definitely me.

“Make way for THE EZRA!” – Ezra.

E, “Mommy, said we can go to the park!”
N, “What’s that?”
E – describes the playground.
N, “Oh the park, I thought you said Ark – the thing I built.”

“If you don’t share I won’t come to your birthday party!” Said one twin to the other. (thinking it was Noah to Ezra)

Abby wasn’t born with us. Abby was born in Asia, we were born in Africa. – Ezra

“Pumpkin is not food, ewww.” – Noah
“Yes it is! You can make pumpkin pie.” – Ezra

The boys get one sheet of homework a week. They have to draw or cut out three things that start with the letter of the week. This week is D.
Ezra holding up a blank piece of paper, “mommy, I drew a Dalmatian dog, but he is wearing a costume so he is invisible!”

Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Bro? – Noah

We have to put away our weapons now. – Noah
Okay sensei. – Ezra

It will create an avalanche. No it will create a veggie salad. – Ezra in the tub.

But I want it and I get it because I’m sick. – Ezra telling Noah how it is.

The boys’ library books were for some reason in the middle of the hall.
Matt, “Why are there books here?”
Ezra, “Mommy was reading them.”
Not a complete lie, I did read him a book earlier that he brought me.

Noah, “I don’t want the ninjaneers to get it.” (Cardinals vs. Buccaneers)

Daddy, I’m going to name my mouth ‘candy land’ so everyone knows that’s where to put their candy. – Noah.

Ezra is very upset Noah is taller than him. “Mom, can you give him coffee to make him shorter, please?”

Noah to Ezra, “Wow, Ezra, you look cool!”
Ezra scowled.
Me, “Ezra that was a compliment, we say thank you when people give us compliments.”
Then Ezra angrily says to nobody in particular, “Fine if your going to say that I’m going to say you look cute!”

Ezra was asking for more food yet again.
Me, “geez boy how hungry are you?”
Ezra, “60 feet hungry.”

Some guy stopped the boys at the store to tell them how well behaved they were.
Ezra, “Mommy, why did he say that?”

“Reading makes my arms tired.” – Noah

Matt: what did you learn about in church today?
Ezra: orphans and that god wants us to love them.
Matt. Yeah?
Ezra: yeah. We should adopt them. But They are really big and live in the sea.
Matt: huh?

Ezra, “What did he say?”
Me, “You know you would hear more of what other people say, if you would just stop talking every once in a while.”
Ezra, “Nuh-uh, I’m never going to stop talking.”

Ezra, “I keep sneezing because of Paul.”
Me, “what did you say is making you sneeze?”
Ezra, “all that Paul, like the little boy.”
Me, “there’s a little boy outside?”
Ezra, “no the Paul in the air!”
Me, “you mean pollen.”

I was chopping in the kitchen and we were working on letter sounds by naming foods.
Boys, “tomato stars with T.”
Me, “yep. What other fruits and vegetables start with T?”
Noah, “TV!”

Matt was NOT wearing a shirt with a bike on it this morning.
“Daddy, you forgot to put on your bike shirt.” – Noah

Want to see my Amazing Store? – Noah
That’s not an Amazing Store, it’s an Awesome Store. – Ezra

Mommy come check out this enchilada! – Ezra referring to a tarantula.

We get to swim lessons and I remind the boys to take their shoes off. I look over at Ezra and he is taking his swimsuit off. “Oh I thought I heard swimsuit.”

Abby to Noah (referring to Ezra), “yea, I know, your boyfriend already told me.”

“You’re the bestest mommy in the whole house!” – Ezra

Ezra was ‘reading’ the requirements to level up in swim. After listing several he said, “and the most important is get out and show your mom what you can do.”

This tree smells like dr pepper! – Ezra

Does anyone need to go potty before we leave?
AHH! But I only go once a year! – Ezra

Last night the boys were discussing what they want to be when they grow up. Noah still wants to be a firefighter. Ezra said, “I want to be what Noah tells me.”

Me “boys clean up the living room.”
Ezra “WHY?”
Me “excuse me?”
Ezra “I said yes!”

“I think he (Ezra) needs some new listening ears from target.” – Noah

About 10 minutes into the flight, Ezra, “are we flying over Africa yet?” (Flight was from Arizona to Oklahoma)

I saw a doggy in her purse. That’s funny. That doesn’t make any sense. – Ezra.

Me: Why is there popcorn all over the floor?
Ezra: Because I was eating like an elephant.

“Mommy, why do you have to talk to other adults?” – Noah

A package arrived.
“What’s that?” – Ezra
“Something for mommy.”- Matt
Ezra smelling the box, “It’s not coffee.”

And there’s glitter on it!” – Noah describing his potato (I promise it was salt, not glitter)

If you step on a butterfly, it will kill you. – Ezra
Almost got it right.

If you see a dinosaur like a trex, you probably need to step away a little bit. – Ezra

Noah, “hey Ezra watch this.”
No response from Ezra in the other room.
Noah, “okay you can miss it!”

While eating dinner Noah pointed out that he was almost done and that Ezra had hardly eaten.
Ezra, “but I’m pasting myself!”

Can we keep the house clean? – Ezra (the answer is clearly no)

If you had a bad day just imagine Ezra walking around saying “oh no she didn’t” all day.

“We can play hockey after we’re done playing cocaine.” – Ezra (it was lacrosse and I think he was trying to say croquet)

“firefighters stop, drop, and roll onto the fire to put it out.” – Noah

“Babies take a lot of work and sometimes you can’t handle it.” – Ezra

“The sun is really hot. If I sit on the sun it will burn my booty.” – Ezra

Ezra, “can I have corn cheese?”
Me, “what are you talking about?”
Ezra, “you said corn cheese!”
Me, “oh I said no more cheese.”

Out of context Ezra, “I’m giving the chicks some weed.”

More out of context Ezra, “Daddy, daddy I’m gonna be your weed guy!”

Noah to Ezra, “I don’t want your attitude.”

Me, “boys can you help me pick up so I can vacuum?”
Ezra, “why? Is somebody coming over?”

Me: what did you boys talk about in Sunday school today?
Ezra: well me and garret were telling funny jokes in the bathroom
Me: okay what did your teachers talk about?
Ezra: I don’t know.

Ezra: Daddy, someone needs to chop these weeds and mow this grass
Me sarcastically: I know, who is in charge around here?
Ezra serious: I guess i have to everything around here

Me: Hey Boys, we need to paint the chicken coop today, can you help?
Ezra: Well, um… It sounds like a hard job, I’ll see what I can do. I may not be able to do all of it.

Ezra to me, “I’m gonna tell the chicks to stay away from our hammers and stuff so they don’t get hurt.”
Ezra to the chicks, “tweet tweet tweet tweet.”

“I have the hook-ups.” both boys say this when they have hiccups.

“My finger is all rumbly.” Ezra
“Rumbly?” Me
“yea the water did that.” Ezra
“Wrinkly!” Me

Ezra, “mommy I don’t know how to sleep.”
Me, “well you start by closing your eyes and mouth.”
Ezra, “but they keep popping open.”

“Duty calls!” – Firefighter Noah
“No, we say booty calls!” – Ezra

I was informed today that vanilla frosties are for when it’s sunny out and chocolate frosties are for when it’s REALLY sunny out and eyes water from the sun.

“Hey guys stop it! I’m trying to be difficult.” – Ezra talking to his toys

Ezra is flipping a coin and calling either rock or scissors.

Ezra, “we’re too young to go to garden school.”
Me after thinking for a bit, “do you mean kindergarden?”

Noah, “All that pizza made my tummy hurt.”
Me, “Pizza?”
Noah, “yea, pizza.”
Me, “We didn’t have pizza.”
Noah, “Oh.”

I told Noah to let me know if he needed help. Then I over hear Ezra, “I’ll help you as a tattletale!”

Ezra talking about the cats, “they are great at pooping and they are great sleeping.”

Noah, “There are two of Micah and Judah and there are two of us!”
Matt, “Yep, they are twins and you are twins.”
Noah (looking at me and Matt), “And you guys are twins!”

I was resting my eyes while the boys did something involving “beibers” and “damage.”
Turns out they were beavers building a dam.

Me, “What are you doing?”
Ezra, “I’m up to something.”

The boys’ phineas and ferb cd has a song called “my undead mummy and me.” The boys walk around singing “my dead mommy and me.”

“Say thank you Noah.” – Noah
“Thank you, Noah.” – Noah
Nope I didn’t accidentally leave Ezra out of the conversation. He wasn’t involved.

Chickens come from chicken trees – Noah.

Ezra is playing a new leapster game and the game said something about hitting targets, “mommy, the penguins went to Target!”

“Noah be careful I don’t know how to sing.” – Ezra to the tune of frosty the snowman.

“I ate baby Jesus and the hay!” out of context Ezra

Me: You are going to celebrate Jesus’ birthday tomorrow at school.
Ezra: Is baby Jesus going to be there?

“Super Noah wants some make-up.” – Super Noah

Ezra heard the term bundt cake yesterday for the first time and immediately asked, “mommy what’s butt cake?”

Matt, “who’s side are you on?”
Ezra, “Noah’s, he’s on the right.”

Ezra brought me baby Jesus in a cup and whispered, “shhh he’s a baby angel.”

“I’m having allergies I can’t put my own socks on!” – Ezra

“I like daddy, he is funny. I like when he shoots my butt. He shoots my butt every day.” – Noah (with a nerf gun of course)

“Jesus lives in my tummy and helps me do good things” – Ezra.

Noah: I’m going to high five your face.